- Yesterday was quite happening for me. Leonard and I went to one of the pubs in St James to chill and was joined by jess after that. It is the 1st time ever I drank so much liquor. 3 bottles. I remembered the most 1 drank is only 1 bottle and some cocktails. Haha. I got a bit high after that. But I'm still in control. I just want to let loose myself a little. Its been a very long time since I ever let loose myself. After that, we went to watch Get Smart, yihan's YMCA movie. Movie was good, but I couldn't concentrate very well and got a little sleepy. Haha. Well thank God I managed to hang in there. Then I sent jess home after that. I didn't do that for two weeks already. Anyway, a gentleman always send a girl home.
Frankly, I'm still trying to adapt my life without her. My free time where I used to spend with her, now I have to spend alone. I have to constantly find activities for myself to do, constantly keep myself busy. I guess she has more activities than I do, so most probably she'll have an easier time trying to find someone to hang out with.
`Sometimes @ 6:10 AM
- Guess what? I did something incredible today. First time in my history, I wished my father father's day and told him that I love him. Haha. I didn't tell him face to face, but text messaged him. He was so happy. Haha. And I'm glad I did it too =)
`Sometimes @ 8:28 PM
- Yesterday, I went out with gracia for dinner. It was nice. Everything was good and we talked a lot of crappy stuff. I can hardly talk crappy stuff to her in the past. And i think we left a good impression in the both of us. That's good. I told her about the things that had happened in my life since the last meet up, except my relationship with jessica. Somehow, I wanted to tell her, but I think it is still better not to. Maybe I think too much. But I don't want the conversation to get dry. I don't know if she has any feelings for me, and I don't want to find out either. I think somethings is better that we don't find out. Just like how jessica is feeling now, or what she is thinking now. If finding out hurts my heart, I rather I don't. We bump into each other a few times, of course its accidentally, I swear. I didn't bump into her on purpose (maybe she did it on purpose.. haha just joking). I don't know, but it sort of feel good to be with her that night. The feeling of liking her came back a little, but I stopped it. And it feels a bit different from the past. In the past, I feel stress with her, but now, I guess I can counter all her craps, so I feel more at ease. Haha.
Today, I have CIC class but I forgot to bring the book. In fact, chris, fiona, and me, none of us brought the book. And of course we got scolded by mingli. We expected it. Seriously, none of us like her style of talking to us, her leadership. No wonder people start to leave. I would not be surprise if one day the whole cell group would just disband. Then after that, I went to IT fair alone. I wanted to take a breather from everyone. Walking in the crowd, being un-noticeable, it just feels great, because I can be the real me.
When jessica left on the train before me, I still feel a little hurt, but I soon got over it. I thought i could alight before her, but I'm wrong. Damn. Oh well, better luck next time. Right now, I feel as if I'm fighting a war with her. She don't give in, and neither do I. So its a battle of who can last longer. If she can be cold hearted, so can I.
`Sometimes @ 7:27 PM
- I haven't watch movie alone for a very long time already. The feeling is back. I use to tell kriston that watching movie alone is good because we dont have to care too much about our neighbor. So out of boredom, I did it last night. I watched Kung fu panda last night. It was very funny. Well, I'm glad I made the right choice. Wanted to watch with Gracia today but she watched already. So I guess I'll have to watch alone. I remembered the last time I watched a movie alone was in my year 1, and it was at jurong point after school. That was before I joined the church. And coincidentally, I happened to meet kriston and wen hui there. At that time, they were still together. How time flies. I really miss my days where I used to do things alone. Having a carefree life, doing what you want to do without having to think of what others will think. It great.
`Sometimes @ 8:39 AM
- Talked to yihan today. He is gonna be transfered to another cell group at the end of june. He mentioned that he felt mingli cannot lead him and help him grow anymore. He needs someone more spiritual and with greater leadership. So i guess this decision is the right one for him. Somehow, I felt that the cell group will feel different after he leaves. And eventually, it will disband. But whether or not it happens, we have to see what God wants to do about it. Everyone just comes and goes. And I can't be bothered anymore. I don't really take cell group seriously nowadays. This is just sad.
`Sometimes @ 11:50 AM
- I can't stand people who DONT MEAN WHAT THEY SAY! IF YOU SAID YOU WANT ME TO VISIT MALCOLM WITH YOU AND WEN HUI, WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? IF YOU DONT MEAN WHAT YOU SAY, PLEASE DONT SAY IT! I HATE THIS KIND OF PEOPLE!
`Sometimes @ 7:55 PM
- It was last sunday. We were alone in the train. And I got this urge to hold her hand. I think she knows what I'm thinking. And eventually we somehow did for 3s. The feeling came back suddenly. It was then that i realised I missed holding her hands.
`Sometimes @ 11:03 AM
- The both of us are still not open enough to each other. I guess it takes some time after all the hurt that we had done to each other. Rebuilding a friendship takes time. And its not easy. You need to gain trust and all that. And if the person is not a sensitive person, he could easily hurt the person. It is hard...
`Sometimes @ 1:36 AM
- Just by looking at my blog, it makes me feel sad. The song and the pictures just make the atmosphere very sorrowful. Past memories...
Somehow, all this while, i'm trying to convince myself that there is still hope. But is there really hope? Somehow, i see the both of us drifting apart. This is sad.
Waiting for someone who is compassionate to come into my life. Will this person ever appear?
Waiting...
`Sometimes @ 12:57 PM
`Sometimes @ 12:53 AM
- Its been a really long time since I last sat down and blogged. Actually I dont really have the intention to blog cos I dun want to remind myself of the sad memories that happened. But just in case I happen to lose my memory some day, this blog would remind me of who I used to be. For the past few months, there wasn't really anything big that happens except for the relationship with rabbit and the cell group. As part of my life journey, I'll recall back to the 1st day we met.
18 Aug 07
I met jessica at Jurong west church. We were able to click and talk to each other. Maybe I'm more open to new friends at that time. And we became very good friends. We called and send regards to each other, called each other for dinner, and went out to play together. It was really great.
We remained for very good friends for quite a few months. And as our feelings grew, I began to call her dear even when we are not in a relationship.
Months later, I gave the first kiss on her forehead at her void deck. It took me 3 chances to bring out my courage to kiss her.
Then months later, I gave her a kiss on the lips. Its was in the afternoon at her house. And we were preparing to go the the escape theme park I think.
21 Jan 08
I started messaging her every morning to bless her with joy to last throughout the day. Though I run out of ideas sometimes, I still try to think of ways to make it creative. Thank God for that.
24 Jan 08
I celebrated Jessica's b'day with her. The day before, I gave her a birthday surprise. I bought the pooh bear that I promised and placed it on her bed. Thank God her father allowed me in to put it. The next day, I called her out to celebrate her b'day. We went to the glasshouse (fish and co and dobhy ghuat). I called the singer to sing a b'day song for her. Unfortunately, she fell down when we were leaving and I didnt managed to catch her. I think at that time I have already started to hold her hands.
At night, despite the tiredness and school next day, I laid candles at her void deck cos I want to make it a memorable birthday for her. It was extremely troublesome, but knowing that she appreciated it, I felt its worth it. It is my first time doing such thing also.
9 Feb 08
It was the chinese new year period. We celebrated it by going to Batam on the second day. The feeling was great. I never go overseas with just 2 person before. We were really enjoying ourselves at that time. Its like a honeymoon for us.
14 Feb 08
We celebrated our 1st valentine's together. I took some time despite my quiz to do roses and stars for her. Though it was hard to make the roses, I still manage to made it. We went to clarke quay to eat. Sitting by the river was romantic. She gave me a card to express her love. I was touched.
15 Feb 08
It was after cell group and we decided to tell mingli about us. She was shocked at first, but everything was still alright. Thank God that He made it through for us. I was very glad when she say mingli told her that she could entrust jess in me.
17 March 08
I decided to take a step of faith and ask her to me by girlfriend. I messaged her at 1st then called her. In the phone, I thought I heard she said now is not the time yet. Well, a bit disappointed at first, but I decided to give her more time also. Then we met up at night. Didnt really talk about it cos I dun noe how to bring out the topic. Also, I quite scare of rejection,maybe its due to my past experiences.
Just outside her house, we finally talked abt it. And it was quite funny. I didnt know that she would agree to it. It was 11.23pm 17 march 08 where this new chapter began.
03 May 08
However, all good things come to an end. We have miscommunication along the way. And we nearly broke up once. I ran after her. It was the first time I did that for any girl. I guess I just love her too much that I dont want to lose her. But it didnt turn out well. She sent me a broke up message that really broke my heart. She was the 2nd person girl who has seen me teared. My first was my mom when I quarreled with her. We managed to patch up after that. But it didnt last long. On 03 May 08, she sent me another broke up message. My heart ache again. It was painful. I expected it to turn out this way, but I didnt get myself prepared for it.
There has been lots of things that lead to this breakup. But I'm not gonna mention them again. They are just the past memories.
Now, we remained as good friends. My feelings towards her now is_________. I guess somethings only have to be said at the right time. And now, it is not the time yet.
`Sometimes @ 1:50 PM
