- I was totally blown off by pastor Tan's preaching just now. He preached such a good word on 'Change' today. Goosebumps after goosebumps came and it never seems to stop. And I'm so looking forward to the last service of the year tomorrow.
So how do we change?
1. Making a decision. This is the first and most important step to seeing changes in our life. If we do not make a decision to change, to break out of our comfort zone and tradition and step out in faith, we'll never change.
2. Dedication. We must be dedicated and committed to the decision we made. That's when dedication and commitment comes in. If we are not committed to the decision that we made, we'll see the change in our lives.
3. Discipline. It is the bridge between our thoughts and our accomplishment. We must be disciplined to take actions to see changes.
But what are the things that are stopping us from changing?
1. Pride
2. Fear
3. Rebellion
4. Laziness
5. Ignorance
So, which category do you belong to?
For me, I would say that its fear and laziness. When you stay in your comfort zone for too long, you wouldn't want to step out. You will be fearful and lazy. But I shall step out in faith and change, change the attitude I have with people, the emotional and spiritual instability that I am in, and by faith, I'll pray that God will give me the strength and change me to become a better person, to a become He wants me to be. A man with passion and compassion.
It will be a brand new year in 3 days time. And it will be a brand new start, a brand new chapter of my life!
`Sometimes @ 7:11 PM
- Exam results are out. And it is not as good as I thought it is. =/ The subjects that I expect to score at least a B+, I only got a B. But good news is, I got my first A+ in this semester. Overall grade is only a 4.1 for this semester though, and I guess it still needs some time to get to my second upper. I must pray hard that I'll get above 4 for next semester.
`Sometimes @ 9:32 AM
You may not know it, but I have a very strange habit. That is to sit on the toilet bowl and stone there. Well, I'm not sure if anyone does that except me. Haha. Not that I like to smell the pungent odour or anything, but I just like to stone there. And because of that, I actually got inspirations on how to celebrate someone's birthday. Haha. Then again, I'll have to see if it is feasible because we're all gonna get busy once school starts. We'll see how it goes. =)
While I was on the bus just now, I was sleeping when the thought of my friend's relationship came into my mind. All the actions that he did, people thought that it was actually the devil's doings. But suddenly, it just came to my mind that he actually did all that so he can relieve the other party of the pain she is going through. He sacrificed himself.
Love is a sacrifice, and not a compromise.
If you love someone, sacrifice is inevitable. Be it money or time. People often broke out of relationships because they do not want to sacrifice. Same goes to the love for our Lord. If we love Him, we'll have to sacrifice for Him. And sacrifice is not easy. Even for me, I do get lazy and tired of sacrificing sometimes. But then again, if you truly love someone, you'll never get tired of sacrificing.
`Sometimes @ 6:33 PM
- Its Christmas again! Yea! Never felt so excited about Christmas. Maybe because I didn't really celebrate christmas in the past. But somehow, I always feel that christmas is a very special day, be it for Christians, or non- Christians.
I went for the one of the sessions of Christmas service yesterday. What can I say? The drama was beyond words of description. And I actually teared. It was indeed very touching. Too bad that all the friends that I invited are not free to attend it. oh wellzz..
Christmas! So that means we should listen to christmas songs! haha. The one that's playing is one of my favorite christmas songs. Like what I say, the only thing I need for christmas is.......
`Sometimes @ 10:21 AM
This song just makes me very sad for no reason. And I don't know why...
`Sometimes @ 7:26 PM
- Yea! Its a holiday tomorrow! So happy. But suddenly felt so lost because I am jobless again! Ha. Well, I guess we were go efficient that we managed to finish a 8 days job within 2 days, and so we were officially "retrenched". =(
Now I'll have to find something to do to keep my mind occupied before anything negative enters it again. Haiz.. What can I do?
`Sometimes @ 9:02 PM
- Well, believe it or not, clever people do have stupid times. I just felt very stupid to be bothered by such a small obstacle. Why do I even bother to go and think so much about it? And here, right now, ,I'm laughing at my own stupidity.
And when a man says he has gotten over it, he means it. I have gotten over it.
`Sometimes @ 1:13 AM
- Haiz. Having problems with my internet connection again. It might be due to my modem, so that means I'll have to change a new modem soon.
Last weekend was one of the best weekends I ever had. I could feel the presence of god throughout the whole camp, and in the sunday service itself. Darryl preached about manhood in the morning when we went there. I was so engrossed and captivated by his preaching that I could feel something within changed. Then there was a session where he wanted to pray for those who needed manhood. When he told those who needed manhood to raise their hands, I didn't make it very obvious to him. And when he goes around praying for those who had raised their hands, I prayed to god, and said in my heart :"Darryl, pray for me." And indeed, the next thing you knew, he was right in front of me, praying for me. I couldn't have been more blessed.
Then it was the sunday service that I felt the strong presence of god again. It was so strong, my legs began to tremble. And it just moves up to my whole body till you can see my whole body trembling. I was especially interested in pastor Kong's preaching on marriage.
Tradition to transition to transformation
Like what pastor kong said, if we don't move out of our tradition, our comfort zone, there will never be transition and transformation. And so, I have to move out of the tradition to the transition to see a transformation in me. What I really want to transformed in me, is the views about relationships that I once had, the low self-esteem that was in me, to the character that god wants me to be. I believe that God has a purpose for everyone of us, and if we have faith in Him, he will definitely mould us into the person that He wants us to be. A person of confidence, compassion, and a person that treats everyone else as a child of god.
And indeed, when you have faith in Him, He will do miracles for you. Last night was indeed a miracle. Without the strength of god, without the preaching of both pastor Kong and Darryl, I wouldn't be able to survive the conversation I had last night. I must really thank Lord for his strength that he had given me and the words that he had put in my mouth for that conversation. Without His strength, that conversation would never have occurred.
Next week is Christmas again! Its amazing how fast time flies. Soon school will start again, and a whole new chapter of our lives will begin. A brand new year, a brand new revelation and vision, and a brand new me!
And indeed, when you have faith in Him, He will do miracles for you. Last night was indeed a miracle. Without the strength of god, without the preaching of both pastor Kong and Darryl, I wouldn't be able to survive the conversation I had last night. I must really thank Lord for his strength that he had given me and the words that he had put in my mouth for that conversation. Without His strength, that conversation would never have occurred.
Next week is Christmas again! Its amazing how fast time flies. Soon school will start again, and a whole new chapter of our lives will begin. A brand new year, a brand new revelation and vision, and a brand new me!
`Sometimes @ 12:34 PM
- Someone told me that she read 90% of my blog posts already. I wasn't really surprised though, judging by the person she is. But I'm quite curious why someone would want to dig out your past post to read.
And so, I was curious about what I wrote in my past and dug them out to read as well. Can't imagine I'm saying this, but I actually like my past. The ugly side, the happy side and the childish side of me. If you haven't notice, all my past posts are actually quite childish (I think). But I like it that way. That's actually the real me. But now, I guess its gone. I don't know. Or maybe, its hidden deep in my soul, waiting to be released. Well, you can't expect a 22 yr old adult to show his childish side to everyone rite? As we grow up, we are forced to adopt the adult mindset and hide the childish mindset that we once had.
But of course, everyone will have their own personal space where they can be the person they really are. And in here, this is the person that I really am.
********************************
Have I mentioned about my recent meeting with her? Guess I didn't. I went out for a small gathering recently. We went to catch the enchanted movie, and had ice-creams after that. The meeting wasn't as bad as I thought it would. Well, at least it was much better than the ones we had before. We talked about stuff that's happening in our lives. I'm glad I shared, because I rarely share with her. And somehow, we didn't talk about the issue six months ago. The kiss. Its amazing how we can pretend that nothing has happened before.
I once told my friend that if both parties remain as good friends after a breakup, there can only be two possibilities:
1. You have never been truly in love with her before,
2. You still love her in your heart, but you don't want her to know.
Some people would say that there is the 3rd option where they have gotten over one another. But is this really possible? Seek the answer from the bottom of your heart.
Well, for me, I wasn't sure myself. Once, I really liked her, but now, the feeling just disappear. So I guess it's the 1st option.
Now, why am I saying all this? As I read through my past posts just now, I mentioned how I longed for single hood, and how relationships can be troublesome. But somehow, I find myself liking someone. How contradicting is that?
Also, back in those JC days, I told my friends that pure friendship can exist between a guy and a girl, even when they are best friends. I tried to prove myself back then, but failed. And throughout the years I have been experimenting with it. And somehow, I succeeded. But after you succeed, you began to doubt yourself, doubt your feelings between you and her. Is this really pure friendship or something else? I was very afraid that this friendship might develop further, and somehow, I have to stop it before it get deeper. Scary isn't it? That how powerful our emotions can get. It engulfs our sanity and took control of us. Then, there will be people out there who tries to reinforce this emotion on us. I have been fooled by them once, and I won't get fooled again.
Ok.. this post is somehow more chim than the normal ones I had. Its ok if you don't uderstand what I'm writing, cos its meant solely for my own understanding only. =)
`Sometimes @ 8:32 PM
- Stories to share...
Let me 1st start with the one that's 2 nights ago. It was saturday night. I was in school. I went to the top storey of the MAE block and just sat on the ledge. Good thing about the school's ledge is that it does not have any railings. And so I sat there, staring into the night sky. It was beautiful. I could see lights from miles away. The wind was strong. I had both of my legs on the ledge. At that point in time, I wasn't thinking much. I just tell god, "Oh god, my life is now in your hands. If I lost my balance and fall off, then you might be hinting me that its time to end this life so that I can be with you in heaven. If I didnt fall off, then god, I pray that you give me a miracle, a breakthrough. Well, you know the outcome...
Then yesterday, it was after the service that I heard a voice calling out to me. It told me to go home. I wanted to follow the word. But I didn't. I didn't have the courage to face my mother. It was this morning that I saw a breakthrough. I finally had the courage to sit down and talk to her. It wasn't easy. I don't know how times I cried when I talked to her. Good thing is, I managed to make her understand how I feel. I really want to thank god for that. Everyday, I prayed to god for a breakthrough, for a miracle, and now finally, it came. Faith is indeed the thing you need in times like that. Well, I can't say that I have won the whole battle. Though she now allows me to go for service, she wants me to promise her that I won't get baptised. She was afraid that I, being the only son of the family, and the son of the eldest son of my grandparents, would not pray at their funeral when they die. And so, I guess I had to promise her that. In life, you gain some, you lose some. We can't possibly have the best of both world, can we?
I guess all this started because of the lack of communication in my family. I just hope that things keeps going better from here on.
Last but not least, I want to thank god for blessing me with friends that have supported me throughout this obstacle. And so, I shall continue to pray for the happiness for my family members and friends.
`Sometimes @ 12:14 PM
- This is getting unbearable. I can't stand my mother anymore. She is getting more and more childish. Now she locks my room, keep the laptop, keep the card, and keep the keys. She just doesn't know my limit does she? Must she really wait for an accident to happen to become sober. Well, luckily my not that stupid either. She thinks that by locking my room, i won't be able to access my room. But she is wrong. I have more tricks up my sleeve than she can ever think of. She thinks that my keeping the laptop, I won't be able to use the net. But here I am, blogging.
Somehow, my home has become a scary place for me to live in. It's getting really hard to live in here. Now, there are only three paths that lies ahead:
1. She turns for the better and accepts what I am doing,
2. I find a place and move out of here,
3. I commit suicide so that she can finally come to her senses.
Which one will it be?
`Sometimes @ 12:19 AM
