- Day two of the aftermath...
Things has settled down a bit. Thank god for that. Yesterday, when I reach home, I still saw my room locked, but this time, the door key was left there. I don't know if she left it there deliberately or what, but I think that she is slowly accepting me again. Good news is, she still washes my clothes for me.
I have been staying in school til late these 2 days so that i can avoid her. I don't know how long i need to do this. It is indeed tiring, both mentally and physically. I don't want to start another quarrel with her, so that's the best I can do I guess. I guess I'll have to wait patiently til the day she finally listens without shouting, and I hope that day comes. Then again, will I have the courage to say what I want to say? Do I even know what to say?
Its one more week to the end of exam. Finally.
`Sometimes @ 8:39 PM
- Things can't get any worse, can it? The moment I stepped out of the house yesterday, I know that things are going to change.
Stubbornness caught the both of us, and none was willing to give in. 23 missed calls in 2 hours. That's a record breaking for me. And when I called back, she simply hangs up. Is this a kind of joke? Then she starts throwing my notes and stuff around, locks my room, and tries to lock me out of the house. Some people just don't believe that things can be talked out.
Quarrel is inevitable the moment I see her. Its only a matter of how serious it is. So to avoid it, I didnt't want to go home til she goes to work. I mean, how to talk to someone when you can't even start a proper conversation in the first place.
Today, I tried talking to her at a very calm tone at first, but the moment she opens her mouth, she starts scolding. Whatever I said was useless. I guess its gonna take a long while before she finally calms down.
She confiscated my money, my cards, and I wonder how I'm going to survive. Left with only $1 plus in my ez-link card, I wonder if it would be enough to bring me home tonight. Then again, I don't even know if I should be going home. Will she locked me out again? She also threathens to throw my stuff away if I don't move out by end of this month. Things can't get anyworse, can it?
I have papers coming up, but have no mood to study. As I stared at the notes and papers, all that came into my mind are her scoldings and crying.
Sometimes I wondered, have I made the right choice?
`Sometimes @ 1:41 PM
- And 'a man's enemies will be those of his own household'. -- Matthew 10:36
He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me. And he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. -- Matthew 10:37
However, Jesus also said:
'Honor your father and your mother and You shall love your neighbor as yourself.
--Matthew 18:19
This tells us to put our Lord as the 1st priority in our lives, but it doesn't tells us to be disrespectful towards our parents and elderlies.
And so my mind is made. To pursuit what I really wanted, but not what my parents wanted me to do.
`Sometimes @ 11:30 PM
- Guess what? My parents found out that I'm going to church yesterday. My mom literally forced the answer out of me. And I have to admit it. I don't feel like hiding it anymore. But now that the whole family knows about it, I have to secretly go for service in the future. Why not tell them the truth? That you prefer Christianity rather than Buddhism, that you love Christ? Well, they definitely won't accept the answer. I just know them too well, especially my mother. Like the story that mingli shared with me, her sister is as stubborn as my mother. Sometimes, people have the wrong mindset about Christianity. They could be due to rumours, news and media and other forms of propaganda that had been spreading around by the older generation, and they just have this fixed mindset that Christianity is bad.
And so she scolded:
"Once you change to Christianity, you can never change back to Buddhism."
"So next time when I die, who's gonna pray for me"
"How can you pray to the god of the ang mos' and not to the god of Chinese"
"If you want to become a 'shuo tou wu gui', then go ahead and be a christian."
Haiz. I didn't want to go any deeper into the conversation. Any deeper will only break both our hearts. And she is already old enough, I didn't want her to start worrying and quarrelling with me. Past experience of quarrelling with her has already given me enough bad memories. I just hope that her mindset will open up soon.
But somehow, I got a feeling that this is gonna take a while. But I know that if i'm able to overcome this obstacle, then the subsequent obstacles shouldn't be a problem to me. And so I shall pray.
`Sometimes @ 2:14 PM
- 1st day of exam. It was alright, though I know I can do better. But its ok. Just hope and pray that this subject can pull my GPA up.
Sometimes, I really like having a dog. A dog that can talk to me, a dog that can make me happy, a dog that can keep me company, a dog that can play with me, a dog that don't understand what you're saying, and so will only listen but give no comments, a dog that I can hug! A dog that I can look forward to when i reach home...
4 more papers to go. Not really stressed up right now. Maybe because I'm not that result orientated anymore. Right now, I don't really have a goal in life. But I hope I can find one soon, if not i'll be living my life in total darkness...
`Sometimes @ 9:54 PM
- hmm.. this is already my 3rd post today. Ok no more after this. But I have thought it through, and I think what really matters is the happiness of my friends around me. When they are happy, I would feel happy for them too. And that is really what matters most.
Joy and Laughter is infectious. And so is sadness. I guess the thing that makes me happy is to see you smile. =)
`Sometimes @ 12:10 PM
- Someone mentioned to me that I was fickle minded. If you know me enough, I wasn't. It's just that sometimes you want to express your true feelings to others, but yet, you are afraid that your words might hurt them. So, you're stuck in between. But as I experience more of this situation, I have learn that sometimes, the only way is to keep it to yourself. You'll never see me hesitating when i'm with my group of close friends, and you know the reason why.
Some people also take every of your word so seriously that you can't really joke around with them. They are just not your 'click' of friends. And I feel myself losing my breath when I'm with them. Anyway, you wouldn't know if you're my click of friends cos I'll never make it obvious to you.
`Sometimes @ 9:58 AM
- Sometimes, when I want to share something that is troubling me, I can't really find someone suitable to talk to. Well, of course you can just share it with anyone, but everyone will have this circle of trusted friends that they can share their troubles with. Not that I don't have, but just that as we embark on our life journey, we parted into our own paths, and you no longer have that feeling of telling them anymore.
It's been rather cold and lonely walking this path. Sometimes, I ask myself, of all the paths there are, why this path? Why do I continue to walk it even when its cold and lonely? Is there something that keeps me there? Or is it something else? I don't know how long i can last any more. Am I doing the right thing?
How I wish all this answers will come to me when I seek them. So far, I didn't want to tell anyone of them is, because I don't want them to get worried about me.
I don't want them to get too involved in me also, cos I got this feeling that I won't last long.
Should I go with the solution that I'm comfortable with? Or with the solution that everyone else wanted me to go with?
`Sometimes @ 9:32 AM
- Lost in my world of thoughts. Initially I thought I would feel better if I share my feelings and thought with someone, but I was wrong. I felt worse. Sometimes, things are just so unfair. People getting better grades when they put in lesser effort. Is this the kind of tricks heaven usually play on man?
I don't need you to cheer me up, I don't need you to encourage me. I just need you to hear what I want to say and just agree. It's so hard trying to find someone to agree to your thoughts these days.
I tried very hard not to get into depression this time round, but it seems in vain. The thought of death even came to me just now. Sometimes you feel that life is so tiring that you really feel like giving up. Sometimes, I just hope that I don't exist, that nobody knows me, and I can just disappear without a trace.
If someday, I don't reply to your sms or your call,
then just let me be.
I need some time alone.
Don't try to find me,
but just pretend that I never exist.
`Sometimes @ 4:13 AM
- Sometimes I wonder... How can someone who used to be quiet grow out to be cheerful and outgoing? Wouldn't the person doing it feel unbearable not able to be himself/ herself? I don't know what is the reason why she is doing it...
Then I came to this conclusion that, what really matters is the fact that you make the people around happy by staying happy. And by doing so, you also make the people around you worry less about you.
But sometimes, its so tiring not able to be yourself. "The Christ of Faith" said that freedom of man is actually distancing yourself from god. And you have to be what He wants you to be. But outgoing? Talkative? Maybe i'm not interactive enough, maybe I need sometime to change. Or maybe its just that sometimes, I just can't to find topics to talk about. But sometimes, its that I'm so tired that I want to have sometime for myself.
But i'm trying very hard, Very hard, not to show the tired look in front of you. I just don't feel comfortable talking to people who aren't themselves. But I shall not reject them.
`Sometimes @ 12:57 AM
- It has been anther hectic week this week. I'm just glad it's over.
I jsut had my presentation on tuesday. Presentation is not my strong field, and I normally screwed up in it. I remembered last sem, when i had my presentation, I totally screwed it up and got a B-/C+ for it. This time round, it was a bit different. I tried to believe in god and prayed before my presentation. Thank god he answered my prayers (I think). I sounded more confident, and i refered lesser to my notes during presentation. At the end of the presentation, my tutor even praise me, saying I have a very good voice. Ha. *blush*
There was another thing that I guess god might have helped me. We just sort of *know our MOM results this week. Even before I knew my results, I knew that I have done wrong in parts of the second question. And when our tutor gave the solutions, I was right. But surprisingly, he said the following:
The second question is very similar to the 1st question. If you do the 1st question wrong, I dont think I want to look at the second question. I want to help those who didnt score so well this time round, so i'm giving a discount. I'm not going to mark the second question, and it will not be counted into your CA grade.
WOW. I was totally relieved, cos I got everything right for the 1st question. Not that I will do badly if the second question is marked, but if I can score full marks, then why not?
I know if this is the miracle done by god, but I still want to thank him for that.
Its two more weeks til exam, and I hope that god will continue to do miracles in our lives.
`Sometimes @ 3:26 PM
